Friday, February 8, 2008

Peach "Britney Spears" Man Cat, or How I Ended Up in Psychiatric Lockdown for Life

Here's the story of how I became a "Lifer". I can never, ever, go outside again. I think it's a pretty harsh sentence. But maybe Mama isn't serious and I'll just have pay my Lenten penance and in less than 40 days, I'll be free again. (Scout is giving up football and Simone is giving up baths, so I'm giving up going outside, maybe).

According to the lying, conniving neighbors, I am a violent criminal who needs to be taken off the streets.
You all know I am not a violent criminal. I didn't even get a fair trial. That proves my earlier point about the election. No equal rights for cats.

My alleged crimes: 3 counts of breaking and entering, 2 counts of terrorism and attempted assault, 4 counts of vandalism
I am accused of entering the neighbors' house via the old doggie door and beating up the two indoor cats. When they closed the doggie door. I ripped up 2 screen doors and 2 window screens trying to get back in the house and scare the cats. This occurred over a period of months until they finally caught me and called Mama. She came and got me and marched me straight home. Then went back to talk to the neighbors. She says I am very lucky that she didn't have to pay for the damages. Otherwise... Well, I don't know what "otherwise." She would have taken me to the pound?! Yeah right. She loves me so much she can't stand it.

Obviously, I didn't do it. I didn't want to scare the cats. I wanted to play with them. And even if I did do it, they had it coming. Maybe the coyote ripped up the screens or a possum or a raccoon. Just because the screens looked like exact replicas of my box, doesn't mean I did it. Just because there was white fur in the house, doesn't mean it was mine. I demand DNA testing! Where are the CCSIs?

Now I have to stay inside for life. The neighbors want to replace their screens and Mama can't vouch for my actions. So she's keeping me inside. I have been so depressed. I have days where I don't even get up for breakfast in the morning and mope around all day. My life is over!!

Mama says that Aunt Nancy's vet knows of medicines to help me. I am not always aggressive. I'm not mean. I never hiss at anybody or use my claws in a fight. I'm just persistent. I get really hyper and can't control myself. Then I get really depressed and can't move or eat. Maybe there is better living through chemistry for me. All I know is, that I understand how Britney feels.

24 comments:

Tybalt said...

Peach, that sounds horrible! You are under house arrest?! No wonder you are depressed.

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

Oh Peach Man, you sound very naughty : ) I'm sure you were just trying to "play" with those kitties. You and Britney are so misunderstood!

Artsy Catsy said...

Oh no, Peach Man ... solitary confinement. That definitely qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment. Tell your mama that torture is banned by the Geneva CatConventions!!

Rocky

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Crapity crap crap crap! Is dey gonna put yoo on prozac like dey did wif Mao? Yoo can't help it yoor playful and dem other cats is to prissy to play...Sadie sez dat she can tell just by looking at yoo dat yoo ain't a criminal.

Gandalf & Grayson said...

Oh dear, this sounds bad Peach! DNA testing? Bummer.

Parker said...

Oh dear, just as long as you don't start meowing with a British accent!

Daisy said...

Poor Peach! I think you need to look your mom straight in the face and say "I am NOT a criminal!"

Mickey said...

Bummer Peach! Too bad you are grounded! Better living through chemistry :(
Maybe an outdoor pen,a harness?? I hope I don't read about you on TMZ.com ;)
Purrs Mickey

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

wow, it sounds like you have a bit of evil alter ego who makes you do naughty things. i'm sorry you're stuck inside, but at least you won't run into a mean neighbor who would hurt you.
maybe your mommy could try "Feliway" phermone spray. i'm a rescued former feral and Feliway helped keep me calm.
i'm glad you're back and are safe and healthy!
Happy belated birthday to Simone!!

Sunny's Mommy said...

Oh my goodness. That's awful you got convicted of the crime and didn't even do it. No wonder you're depressed. Tell your mom you need some happy pills stat.

Tiger Lily said...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Jemima, Zeke, Sushi, Tiger Lily and Ruckus

The Furry Kids said...

I think you were set up!

Camie's Kitties said...

We are sorry that you are confined to the house. We get to go outside in our harnesses, but never by ourselves. We hope you get used to it soon.

Tiki, Tavi, Cody and Camie

muffinmidi said...

Poor Peach Man.Maybe your mother could get one of thos screened- in cat enclosures for you to go out in.

Lux said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am under house arrest, and I never even got to go outside in order to get in any trouble (not that I would have, of course).

Artsy Catsy said...

Peach Man, we haven't seen you around for more than a month, so we got worried. Is everything cool, dude?

Rocky

The Lee County Clowder said...

Hey, Peach Man. How you doing? Still kept inside all the time? How about an update, huh?

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Peach man...where are you? Four months is a long time to not hear from our frends...

Yoggie said...

Tell your neighbours to move to another place when they have a problem with you. You LIVE there, just like them.
Try to sneak out of the house...

Team Tabby said...

Hello, Peach Man, hello. Are you there? We're missing you!

Mindy & Moe

The Cat Realm said...

I Dare You!
Yes, it is time again for another challenge from The Cat Realm! Come and check out the details on our blog.
I hope you will accept the challenge and will eagerly await your entry!
Karl
(Where are you?)

Karen Jo said...

Happy Birthday, Simone.

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Peach! Where are yoo dude? We want yoo back...we also hear dat today is Simone's purrthday and wanted to say Happy Purrthday to her...really, yoo need to get back to blogging.

THE ZOO said...

obviously youfe been framed. sum offur cat did this and theys blamin yoo.

Simone, we wish yoo a Happy Purrthday.