Oh When the SAINTS.....

Check it out! My Team plays today! Rah! Rah! They better win this time....


NEWS FLASH:: I attacked a dog today!! Stupid Mama just stood there laughing her head off--holding her cell phone, so she could have documented my triumphant moment, but she didn't. She's so dumb sometimes.

He also let a baby pet him. What a fool. --Scout.

Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #5 AND Simone's Thank You

Dear Peach Man,
I need your help as a life coach. How can I get my humans to stop picking me up for cuddles? I hate cuddles but I don't want to hurt their feelings.
FAZ

Dear FAZ,
How much do you hate these cuddles? To what extremes are you willing to go make them stop? The first though that came to me was to do the obvious and use your claws and teeths. I'm guessing though, you done this already. And it is just a bit meaner than you are aiming for. So, maybe you need to "kick it up a notch". I think you should try passing gas whenever they cuddle you. Really foul, silent but deadly ones. That way you are smelly, but not smelly all the time like you-know-who AND it appears to be accidental so no hurt feelings. You have to train your humans to associate negative things with cuddles. Or, you could always train yourself to like cuddles. I've been working on this myself over the years. I started by sitting next to my mama and then letting her hold me for 2 seconds and then a little longer and a little longer and pretty soon, I sorta liked it. But still, being held isn't my favorite either, I got better things to do!

Peach Man

Hi Nephew Peach,
this is your Aunt Ellen from California asking some advice on stuffed nostrills withou going to the VET!!! Your senile, arthritic old aunt.
Love ya Nephew Peach Aunt Ellen


Dear Aunt Ellen, I think you should spend extra time in the new bathroom. That way you get the steamy benefits of showers (clear out those sinuses) AND you can sneeze all over the new bathroom and make it yours. That's what I'd do. Showertime, Auntie Ellen!
Peach Man


Simone Here: I know it is Mancat Monday and believe me I wanna stay away from all that Peachy Nonsense, but I do want to thank everyone for their birthday wishes and Nice Presents. It was such a great birthday thanks to you all. I will post pictures on Tuesday, since Scout will let me share Tuxie Tuesday, I'm sure.

Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #4

We have lots of summer themed questions this week ranging from vaccinations to lizards (they like the warm weather) to vacationing beans, so tune in pussy cats.... (Like my summer "action shot"??)

My Mommie says it is WRONG to eat lizards, and she takes them away from me. I say if I catch them, I should get to eat them all up. What do you think?

From,

Daisy

Dear Daisy,
It is my opinion that ALL lizards that you catch are yours to eat. I have had similar experiences. I catch things and the No Lady or her conspirators take them away. What's a guy to do? I understand your situation. I think you must overcome your instink to show off your fine hunting skills to your Mommie and devour all lizards in private. Just let her take away the occasional lizard to fake her out.

Happy Hunting!
Peach Man

Peachman,

It's yoor gerls purrthday, it's da last minit, what do yoo get her?

Speedy

Dear Speedy,

I am sorry for answering your question so late. Forces interfered with my ability to blog. I am sure your gerlfriend's purrthday is past. Still, I think you should make her an e-card or send her a special online prezzent. Or even better you could send her a special gift from Petsmart, like a toy or a costume or some high quality nip. Nothing like a fine baggie of nip to make her love you.

Good luck in love, Speedy Man,
Peach Man

Peach Man,

I have a question for you for next week.

I am finally a Mancat, but I find myself doing kittenish things.

As a kitten, I never used to "knead" my humans (some people call this making biscuits). A few months ago, however, I was left alone overnight while my humans were at a race. I was so happy to see my mom when she came home that when I was on her lap and being pet, I started kneading! My human mom was delighted, and I was surprised.

After that, I started kneading my mom occasinally, say once every two weeks or so. Recently, however, the frequency has increased, and I am kneading her every other day.

Should I be concerned? It is my understanding that this is kittenish behaviour. However, I am now a Mancat, so is this appropriate?

Thanks.

Dragonheart

Dear Dragonheart,

I am sure many cats suffer from the same problem. I find myself kneading on occasion and sometimes I even drool. Yes, it is not very "manly" of me, but sometimes being a mancat means showing your softer side. Plus, the girls really dig it. As long as you remember to keep your claws in as much as possible your Mama shouldn't have too much of a problem. Also try not to do it when she is wearing her good clothes or she might get mad and yell at you. It is a very normal cat behavior that can last your whole life. It really just means you have transfered the love you had for your kittymama to your human mama. So, Dragonheart, knead away and really let yourself go!

Purrs to you, new Mancat,
Peach Man

Dear Peach Man: Hee! Hee! Saw you run up the ole' tree this morning. You came right down--remembered what happened the last time you went up that tree, didn't you?!!!!

Anyway, I gots a problem. The vet has sent 2 notices that I need to come in for a rabies vaccination. I know the beans are going to take me in and I'm shakin' in my white spats. Help! What do I do? How do I get out of this?

Scout

Dear Scout,

I'm sorry that you already went to the vet and I didn't help you get out of it. But, honestly, unlike other cats, I LIKE to go to the vet. It's so fun. You get meet all sorts of dogs and other cats, sometimes birds too. And the ladies are nice and the doctors too. They tell you how beautiful you are and pet you and stuff. Plus, I heard you got a treat for being such a good kitty. I never got a treat from a doctor! It's so easy when all you need is a shot. It's very important to have the rabies vaccine because there are bats that might bite you and give you rabies and then you'd give it me. So good thing you went.
As a public heath service announcement, I officially recommend that all kitties GET THEIR VACCINES AND CHECKUPS!! It's for your own good, no matter how awful the car ride is and how stinky like a dog the office is.

Peach Man

My beans are taking a whole week off work BUT they will be leaving me for FOUR WHOLE DAYS. Now, I will have my grandbeans taking care of me so I will get spoiled (new toys, extra treats) but the point is, my beans should NOT take off work to go away. The only time they should take off work is to spend time with me.
I have been snarkey in the past when they get home and of course act all pathetic to the grandbeans so they report my "lonliness" to my beans, but how do I assure that this time will be the LAST time they abandon me.
I have an evil alter ego to help me if that gives you any ideas....
Really cheezed off ManCat.

PS they will be returning Tuesday the 21st so a Monday response would be perfect timing.

AND a similar question from Chase

I would like to ask...What is the appropriate way to treat a returning human? I'm unclear on time frames for being mad, purring, etc.

Chase

Dear Really Cheezed off Mancat and Chase,

Being a Peach Man, I have no time frame. I just throw myself shamelessly at my returning Mama. I just can't bring myself to be mad at her for leaving. Mostly because by the time I see her, I forgot that she left. I wish I had a longer memory. Simone is good at the ignoring/mad part. She says no more than a few hours of this is required. Otherwise, you will just be considered a snobby cat and no one will love you. Purring should resume as soon as returning humans settle down on the couch and/or bedtime at the latest, depending on when they get back. And most important of all I don't leave my Mama's side for a good long while to make sure she doesn't leave me again. This is what I think "Cheezed off" should do. He should be ever vigilant.
Other possibilities for Cheezed off: getting deathly ill helps prevent beans from leaving. Another option is to cause some sort of trouble that requires your family to come home early. That way, they won't want to risk it again. Evil alter-egos are helpful for the implementation of this tactic. If you want to go there, terrible destructive behavior. Preferably self-destructive. If you destroy the house, they are liable to get rid of you, but if you inflict wounds to yourself they will feel sorry for you and not leave you unattended again. I know this tough, but it depends how desperate you are. Scratching yourself til you bleed isn't always easy.
Good luck to Cheezed off and Chase,
Peach Man


Until Next Week, my friends....
Yours Truly, Peach Man

Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #3

Dear Peach Man: I've been sidelined recently with a hip fracture and my beans won't let me play or do anything. Life is BORING!!!!!!!! Do you have any ideas how I could have some fun? I sure would like to meet you some day. You are my hero! Jack

Dear Jack, You poor kitty. How did you fracture your hip? You must be one wildandcrazyguy. I have a number of suggestions. First, the innernet is your friend. You should blog, check out others' blogs, and maybe even take the IDYA challenge to make NOMSS friend. You never know who you might meet--and all from the comfort of your confinement zone. This also reduces the risk of eating, or getting eaten by, your new Not of My Species Special Friend. Then, you should spend a lot of time plotting how to get everyone back for keeping you out of the game for so long. See my previous suggestion to "Anonymous" about creating a war room. When you are well, you will have lots of destructive, ahem, I mean creative, energy to release, so you'd better have a plan. Finally, in your spare time, there is always kitty TV. Not CAT tv, which on the google turns up lots of links to local access television which is just plain BORING. Who wants to watch 10th graders do their math homework or city council meetings, huh? Nokitty I know. Instead, check out nature programs, or get this DVD from Australia called Catsize Entertainment Check out this kitty having fun at home, surely you could do this. Finally, you might like to start taking yoga classes, as you recuperate. Skittles offers them regularly.

Good luck, and good night, my friend. Peach Man

Dear Peach Man:

My boyfuriend doesn't write me or send my messages or talk to me very much! Should I find a new boyfuriend? What should I do?

So sad!!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I think you find out why your boyfuriend is not paying enough attention to you. If he is a busy mancat, he probably is too busy thinking about what havoc to wreak next, so really, he doesn't have much space in his pea-brain for mushy-gushy lovey stuff. Maybe he's just no good at it. Do you send him messages and write to him? You should a good nose sniffing session together and figure out what is going on. Worst case scenario, ask yourself, What Would Oprah Do? And go read this book:

I am sorry for your heartache and I hope your love life improves!
Purrs,
Peach Man

Dear loyal readers,
That's all for this week!! Keep sending in those questions....and have no fear, Peach Man is here!

Mancat Monday: Is anyone out there?

Dear Peach Man,
Is anyone out there? I love to watch your endeavors crash and burn.
Love,
Scout


Dear Scout,
Thanks. Actually you are the only one who submitted a question this week. However a quick google of "advice for cats" turned up some funny links my loyal readers may like to peruse.

1.

Useful Advice for Cats: How To Care For Your Human

2.

Expat Focus > > Forums > > Europe > > Hungary > > Safety advice ...

Safety advice for cats in rural Hungary

3.

feline advisory bureau charity uk animal advice for cats and kittenscats and kittens rescue charity cat protection league animal shelters rehoming moggies and other cat and kitten breeds in the uk.

um, eric or flynn, or anybuddy else, what is a MOGGIE???? Oh, wait. Jofish sez it is a "britishism" for CAT. There we go. I don't have to ask questions on my own advice column, no I don't. And google confirms it is a term for stray or cats of undefined breed.

Many happy returns, as the "British" say.

P-Man

Mancat Monday, or Advice Column

Since one of the mane duties of a Mancat is to dispense advice, I thought I'd give a little photo journal of advice for Parker's upcoming journey to O hi O (seeing as I just had experience with this myself). Mostly, though, it's advice for Rudy, and any other adventurous cats out there.


How to handle the worst day ever (spent in a PTU in a car)
When your day starts off like this:


Oh, no, NOT another day in the car! Don't wake me up. Just leave me here to die.

Try to look as distressed as possible when you are allowed fresh air. Pathetic whines, sweaty paws, hyperventilate if possible. Ignore all attempts to comfort and soothe.

My other favorite tactic, as you know, is to hide in the bedframe. (Admittedly, Jofish was terrible and documented the whole experience.)
Hide in there, and even when they shake the bed so hard you think you are going to die....

HOLD ON!!!!!!!!!!!! And don't say a word. Make sure you try to get out the way you don't fit.

And eventually you will succeed in delaying the trip, pissing everyone off, but also giving a good laugh.


That's my Mancat Advice or Peach's Lonely Hearts Column for Today. Please submit burning questions for next week.....

Mancat Monday

Today I am so tired from my advenchur yesterday. That's why I wasn't online much. I went outside without my leash and forgot all about weekend blogging! Didya hear that! Sans leash! FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT, ANY OLD TIME, as the Rolling Stones say. Oh, yes. Grammy felt sorry for me. She said there weren't too many dogs out on the lake, the weather wasn't too hot, and besides, she'd be sitting there all day anyways.
Here's the trick you guys: Just get yourself all tangled up in the lead, look real pathetic, and whine. Pick the weakest bean in your family. That's how to get free! I'm telling ya.

Of course, today the door won't open and I can't figure out why. Mama said if I had a frontal lobe I could figure these things out, but I don't got one, so I'm stuck in a never-ending present. That's ok. I like my life.

I'd also like to clarify. Scout's a widebody. I some of you cats thought she was just fluffy. But she's not. She's a fatty fatty. All 13lbs of her. Here's a better picture of her girth. She's on her favorite chair with the new blue towel (it got bleach on it by mistake, so it's hers before the beans even used it more than twice).

I think I must be the only Mancat who tells it like it is. Scouty is "good gentle soul" sez Mama, but she's also big. This means she can beat me up too, when she feels like it. The other day she chased ME down the stairs. Usually I'm the boss, as you know.

Now I gotta go see if I can that door to open...