Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #3

Dear Peach Man: I've been sidelined recently with a hip fracture and my beans won't let me play or do anything. Life is BORING!!!!!!!! Do you have any ideas how I could have some fun? I sure would like to meet you some day. You are my hero! Jack

Dear Jack, You poor kitty. How did you fracture your hip? You must be one wildandcrazyguy. I have a number of suggestions. First, the innernet is your friend. You should blog, check out others' blogs, and maybe even take the IDYA challenge to make NOMSS friend. You never know who you might meet--and all from the comfort of your confinement zone. This also reduces the risk of eating, or getting eaten by, your new Not of My Species Special Friend. Then, you should spend a lot of time plotting how to get everyone back for keeping you out of the game for so long. See my previous suggestion to "Anonymous" about creating a war room. When you are well, you will have lots of destructive, ahem, I mean creative, energy to release, so you'd better have a plan. Finally, in your spare time, there is always kitty TV. Not CAT tv, which on the google turns up lots of links to local access television which is just plain BORING. Who wants to watch 10th graders do their math homework or city council meetings, huh? Nokitty I know. Instead, check out nature programs, or get this DVD from Australia called Catsize Entertainment Check out this kitty having fun at home, surely you could do this. Finally, you might like to start taking yoga classes, as you recuperate. Skittles offers them regularly.

Good luck, and good night, my friend. Peach Man

Dear Peach Man:

My boyfuriend doesn't write me or send my messages or talk to me very much! Should I find a new boyfuriend? What should I do?

So sad!!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I think you find out why your boyfuriend is not paying enough attention to you. If he is a busy mancat, he probably is too busy thinking about what havoc to wreak next, so really, he doesn't have much space in his pea-brain for mushy-gushy lovey stuff. Maybe he's just no good at it. Do you send him messages and write to him? You should a good nose sniffing session together and figure out what is going on. Worst case scenario, ask yourself, What Would Oprah Do? And go read this book:

I am sorry for your heartache and I hope your love life improves!
Purrs,
Peach Man

Dear loyal readers,
That's all for this week!! Keep sending in those questions....and have no fear, Peach Man is here!

Tuxie Tuesday: For Samantha

Happy Birthday Glitter Graphics

Mancat Monday: Is anyone out there?

Dear Peach Man,
Is anyone out there? I love to watch your endeavors crash and burn.
Love,
Scout


Dear Scout,
Thanks. Actually you are the only one who submitted a question this week. However a quick google of "advice for cats" turned up some funny links my loyal readers may like to peruse.

1.

Useful Advice for Cats: How To Care For Your Human

2.

Expat Focus > > Forums > > Europe > > Hungary > > Safety advice ...

Safety advice for cats in rural Hungary

3.

feline advisory bureau charity uk animal advice for cats and kittenscats and kittens rescue charity cat protection league animal shelters rehoming moggies and other cat and kitten breeds in the uk.

um, eric or flynn, or anybuddy else, what is a MOGGIE???? Oh, wait. Jofish sez it is a "britishism" for CAT. There we go. I don't have to ask questions on my own advice column, no I don't. And google confirms it is a term for stray or cats of undefined breed.

Many happy returns, as the "British" say.

P-Man

Simone on Sunday: At Home Spa Day

How to Create Your Very Own At Home Spa:

You will Need
1 Servant (minimum, 2 is even better!)
1 brush
1 packet of catnip, fresh catnip, or the lawn
2 chamomile kitty wipes
nail clipper
fresh water or skanky water from the yard (whichever you prefer)
lunchmeat of choice
a good book or two


Start the day off with lots of fresh water to cleanse your body and let the detox begin. Eat breakfast as usual. Instruct the servant to clip nails first and get the worst of it over. If possible go outside now and take in some sunshine, run through the sprinklers, up a tree (if you can). Get lots of scritches and lovin' in the sunshine. This can also be done indoors by the window. Now have some more water and a little nip, fresh nip, or grass. Let yourself be brushed until you are almost gorgeous. If you are elderly and long haired like me, it could take a while. Next, wipe down with the chamomile kitty wipe. This is good for dandruff, stress relief and general dirtiness. Brush some more. Have some yard water. Have some lunch meat.

When this ritual is finished, let the servant have some time off. Hang out in the yard with her and let her read her book while you hunt bugs and enjoy the fine summer Sunday

Enjoy the day everykitty!



p.s. Peach wants to shamelessly promote is advice column. Don't forget to send him Questions!!!

Tuxie Tuesday

This is as close as I get to an "action shot". I just might turn over. After I sleep some more.

Scout

Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #1

HEY EVERYBUDDY, SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN MY POST. GOT UP THIS MORNING THE SO-CALLED 'ROUTER' WAS 'BROKEN'. YEAH. WHATEVER. THEY JUST WANT TO STOP ME FROM A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AS A ADVICE COLUMNIST.

Dear Peach Man -

I run and I run, and I play and I play, and I jump jump jump...and STILL I gits a poochie belly! How comes I do all this exercise and still gits a poochie belly?!
Yer bud,
Sabi

Dear Sabi,

Well, unfortunately, you must suffer from an odious and malingering disease (practicing my vocab here). My only suggestion to you is to go outside, eat nasty stuff, get worms or a Fever Of Unknown Origin. That will get you skinny in no time. Diets just don’t work (I asked Scout—see, I don’t personally suffer from poochie belliness). However, from personal experience with worms (before I was adopted) and FUO (last summer), I can tell you that brings about rapid weight loss like no other. Your beans might object though. See, they call me the “million dollar kitty” now.

Peach Man

Dear Peachman,

I have a problem. I wish to go outside strollering or on my harness and leash EVERY day. But my Mommie only takes me out sometimes. What am I to do?

Thank you,

Daisy!

Dear Daisy,

You may recall an earlier post of mine on a similar subject. Essentially, you either hire another servant solely for strollering (any neighbor kids need a summer job?) or become the most annoying kitty on the planet. Whine until you think you can’t anymore, and then whine some more! Also, it is helpful to remind her that kitties NEED, and I mean, NEED, fresh air daily. Unless it is raining, but we won’t go into the exceptions. Therefore, she is subjecting you to cruel and unusual punishment every day that she doesn’t take you out. Remind her of this. Call Amnesty International. Start a Petition. Good luck getting out more!

Peach Man

Dear Peach Man

I have a very serious and important question.

How can I get rid of my baby brother?

It all started nine months ago. There I was, a single and happy siamese
prince, doted on by two stupid humans when suddenly, out of nowehere, came
this tiny white ball of poo smelling fur. I was disgusted! Honestly, he came
into my home, took over my territory, ate all of my food and used my litter
tray as though it were his. The humans love him - they adore him! To make
matters much worse, he now has his own blog and has made lots and lots of
cat blogging friends -the traitors. I just need to know how I can put
things right in the world - where everything is mine and the whole world
revolves around me alone. I have been living with the white stinker for a
year now and my nose just can't take any more! He really stinks!

Yours, in despair


Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Scout has some experience with this. As do I. We both suggest terror. I know all good cats should not act like Robespierre, the IRA, the Shining Path and Osama bin Ladin combined, but sometimes a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. In the process, you may acquire some invidious nicknames, but consider this a plus. Your mission is being accomplished. Now, I suggest much chasing, hissing, sneaking up on while eating. Also, it is good to initiate play at the time of day when said invader is most likely NOT to play. Insist upon it. In particular, Scout recommends chasing said invader when he wants to go the box. Make the basic functions of life like eating, sleeping, pooping, and snuggling extremely difficult. Be relentless and systematic. You could even set up a War Room (See photo) if you wanted to keep track. Turn the invaders friends against him. Isolate and destroy. You might also watch Mean Girls for some tips.

Windex should help with the stinkiness. Spray liberally as needed.

May the Force Be With You.

Peach Man

Calling all cats in Distress!

Do you have a problem?
Do you suffer from General Mental Confusion, Nervous Habits, Heartaches?
Are you unsure about whether to wear to wear pink or blue this summer? White shoes after Labor Day?
Do you get dizzy when you watch too many hummingbirds?
Do kittens make you nervous?
Do you eat too much? Too little? Have you ever been accused of being a PICKY EATER, and want to know how to respond?
Bad Habits? Weird Habits?
Gerl Questions?

As we all know, it's Hard Out There for A CAT.


Have NO FEAR, THE PEACH MAN is HERE!! (and my staff...)

Submit all of your burning questions to DEAR PEACH MAN. My new advice column, which will run as part of Mancat Monday (unless something more interesting, strange, or miraculous happens--like I fall in the lake, Simone loses another eye, or Scout has kittens). Just click on the link in the sidebar or email directly to peachmansblog@gmail.com

(MY couch is more comfy!!!)