Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Is anyone out there? I love to watch your endeavors crash and burn.
Thanks. Actually you are the only one who submitted a question this week. However a quick google of "advice for cats" turned up some funny links my loyal readers may like to peruse.
Safety advice for cats in rural Hungary
feline advisory bureau charity uk animal advice for cats and kittenscats and kittens rescue charity cat protection league animal shelters rehoming moggies and other cat and kitten breeds in the uk.
um, eric or flynn, or anybuddy else, what is a MOGGIE???? Oh, wait. Jofish sez it is a "britishism" for CAT. There we go. I don't have to ask questions on my own advice column, no I don't. And google confirms it is a term for stray or cats of undefined breed.
Many happy returns, as the "British" say.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
How to Create Your Very Own At Home Spa:
You will Need
1 Servant (minimum, 2 is even better!)
1 packet of catnip, fresh catnip, or the lawn
2 chamomile kitty wipes
fresh water or skanky water from the yard (whichever you prefer)
lunchmeat of choice
a good book or two
Start the day off with lots of fresh water to cleanse your body and let the detox begin. Eat breakfast as usual. Instruct the servant to clip nails first and get the worst of it over. If possible go outside now and take in some sunshine, run through the sprinklers, up a tree (if you can). Get lots of scritches and lovin' in the sunshine. This can also be done indoors by the window. Now have some more water and a little nip, fresh nip, or grass. Let yourself be brushed until you are almost gorgeous. If you are elderly and long haired like me, it could take a while. Next, wipe down with the chamomile kitty wipe. This is good for dandruff, stress relief and general dirtiness. Brush some more. Have some yard water. Have some lunch meat.
When this ritual is finished, let the servant have some time off. Hang out in the yard with her and let her read her book while you hunt bugs and enjoy the fine summer Sunday
Enjoy the day everykitty!
p.s. Peach wants to shamelessly promote is advice column. Don't forget to send him Questions!!!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
HEY EVERYBUDDY, SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN MY POST. GOT UP THIS MORNING THE SO-CALLED 'ROUTER' WAS 'BROKEN'. YEAH. WHATEVER. THEY JUST WANT TO STOP ME FROM A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AS A ADVICE COLUMNIST.
Dear Peach Man -
I run and I run, and I play and I play, and I jump jump jump...and STILL I gits a poochie belly! How comes I do all this exercise and still gits a poochie belly?!
Well, unfortunately, you must suffer from an odious and malingering disease (practicing my vocab here). My only suggestion to you is to go outside, eat nasty stuff, get worms or a Fever Of Unknown Origin. That will get you skinny in no time. Diets just don’t work (I asked Scout—see, I don’t personally suffer from poochie belliness). However, from personal experience with worms (before I was adopted) and FUO (last summer), I can tell you that brings about rapid weight loss like no other. Your beans might object though. See, they call me the “million dollar kitty” now.
I have a problem. I wish to go outside strollering or on my harness and leash EVERY day. But my Mommie only takes me out sometimes. What am I to do?
You may recall an earlier post of mine on a similar subject. Essentially, you either hire another servant solely for strollering (any neighbor kids need a summer job?) or become the most annoying kitty on the planet. Whine until you think you can’t anymore, and then whine some more! Also, it is helpful to remind her that kitties NEED, and I mean, NEED, fresh air daily. Unless it is raining, but we won’t go into the exceptions. Therefore, she is subjecting you to cruel and unusual punishment every day that she doesn’t take you out. Remind her of this. Call Amnesty International. Start a Petition. Good luck getting out more!
Dear Peach Man
I have a very serious and important question.
How can I get rid of my baby brother?
It all started nine months ago. There I was, a single and happy siamese
prince, doted on by two stupid humans when suddenly, out of nowehere, came
this tiny white ball of poo smelling fur. I was disgusted! Honestly, he came
into my home, took over my territory, ate all of my food and used my litter
tray as though it were his. The humans love him - they adore him! To make
matters much worse, he now has his own blog and has made lots and lots of
cat blogging friends -the traitors. I just need to know how I can put
things right in the world - where everything is mine and the whole world
revolves around me alone. I have been living with the white stinker for a
year now and my nose just can't take any more! He really stinks!
Yours, in despair
Scout has some experience with this. As do I. We both suggest terror. I know all good cats should not act like Robespierre, the IRA, the Shining Path and Osama bin Ladin combined, but sometimes a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. In the process, you may acquire some invidious nicknames, but consider this a plus. Your mission is being accomplished. Now, I suggest much chasing, hissing, sneaking up on while eating. Also, it is good to initiate play at the time of day when said invader is most likely NOT to play. Insist upon it. In particular, Scout recommends chasing said invader when he wants to go the box. Make the basic functions of life like eating, sleeping, pooping, and snuggling extremely difficult. Be relentless and systematic. You could even set up a War Room (See photo) if you wanted to keep track. Turn the invaders friends against him. Isolate and destroy. You might also watch Mean Girls for some tips.
Windex should help with the stinkiness. Spray liberally as needed.
May the Force Be With You.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Do you have a problem?
Do you suffer from General Mental Confusion, Nervous Habits, Heartaches?
Are you unsure about whether to wear to wear pink or blue this summer? White shoes after Labor Day?
Do you get dizzy when you watch too many hummingbirds?
Do kittens make you nervous?
Do you eat too much? Too little? Have you ever been accused of being a PICKY EATER, and want to know how to respond?
Bad Habits? Weird Habits?
Have NO FEAR, THE PEACH MAN is HERE!! (and my staff...)
Submit all of your burning questions to DEAR PEACH MAN. My new advice column, which will run as part of Mancat Monday (unless something more interesting, strange, or miraculous happens--like I fall in the lake, Simone loses another eye, or Scout has kittens). Just click on the link in the sidebar or email directly to firstname.lastname@example.org
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
How to handle the worst day ever (spent in a PTU in a car)
When your day starts off like this:
Oh, no, NOT another day in the car! Don't wake me up. Just leave me here to die.
Try to look as distressed as possible when you are allowed fresh air. Pathetic whines, sweaty paws, hyperventilate if possible. Ignore all attempts to comfort and soothe.
My other favorite tactic, as you know, is to hide in the bedframe. (Admittedly, Jofish was terrible and documented the whole experience.)
Hide in there, and even when they shake the bed so hard you think you are going to die....
HOLD ON!!!!!!!!!!!! And don't say a word. Make sure you try to get out the way you don't fit.
And eventually you will succeed in delaying the trip, pissing everyone off, but also giving a good laugh.
That's my Mancat Advice or Peach's Lonely Hearts Column for Today. Please submit burning questions for next week.....
Friday, July 13, 2007
I know all you cats must know the BIG news already. I have me a girlfriend (see her pretty picture). Yep, we met at the July Birthday Party. Then I went AWOL for a few days, as I said. Not my fault. Or maybe I'm just a typical guy. Meet a girl and don't call her back until she's good and nervous.
Here's my MEME from Jimmy Joe, Samantha and Parker!! Gee, a cat goes offline for a few days and suddenly he's Mr. Popular.
What were you doing 10 years ago?
I wasn’t born yet.
What were you doing a year ago?
I beamed myself across the country and waited for Mama to bring me something cool from Poland. And I harassed the squirrel on a regular basis.
5 Snacks I enjoy
Fresh French Bread (the white part), Ham, Turkey, Simone’s Vitamins, Salami(but nobuddy lets me that because, well, I don’t clean my own litter box).
5 songs to which I know all the lyrics
Only 5? I love songs!!
I am the Walrus (except I sing, “I am the Peach Man, Koo Koo Ka Choo”)
Bad to the Bone
I’m Free (Rolling Stones)
Peaches (Presidents of the United States)
5 things you would do if you were a millionaire
Buy a farm to live on
Invest in a lizard and mouse breeding program for that farm.
Develop a Squirrel Repellent.
Make a diet pill for kitties who have a hard time losing weight (like Scouty)
Hire a team of servants (3 just aren’t enough to meet my needs)
5 bad habits
I beat up Simone
I beat up Scout
I eat yarn and string, pins, anything lying around.
I steal any treats or food that are not under lock down.
I get my paws stuck in the sewing machine.
5 things I enjoy doing
Going outside (I gotta be FREE, man!)
Sleeping in strange places (like on table legs, books, behind the computer)
Beating up Simone and Scout (just cuz it’s bad, doesn’t mean I don’t love it!)
Eating junk food.
Just being ME
5 things I would never wear again
Nope, I’d pretty much wear anything, more than once.
5 favorite toys
I tag ChaChing (we all want to know more about that expensive little dude), Speedy, Zippy, and Sadie, and Oscar the Puppy Cat
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Have you been following the live earth concerts? You can watch them online at http://liveearth.msn.com/ I wasn't in the mood for blogging yesterday, when the concert was in full swing, because of my embarrassing moment yesterday (of which I WILL NOT speak). Let's just say, it involved at tree, a very tall tree. And now I am truly a "tree-hugger". NO, That's all I have to say about that. It's too embarrassing and not at all manly. (To answer ArtsyCatsy's further inquiry into the tree incident)
Anyway, you should all check out the website because you can learn about things like your carbon pawprint and eco-pawprint (these are quizzes, whoohoo!), how your beans can be more green (like NOT drive their cars so much and grow more catnip in the yard, something we'd all like!), how to help our endangered animal friends, and cool things like that. And, you don't even have to read Al Gore's blog if you don't want. This whole thing is way more exciting than Al Gore (yeah, how many of you kitties had to sit through his movie??). There are bloggies from beans at the concerts too.
It's a great combo of my favorite things, MUSIC and Planet Earth.
I did my part today by going outside and fertilizing the roses. Pretty good--I'm just an "eco-apprentice", but I can get better. And my pledge gives me suggestions too!
Check it out guys!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Eating is the best part of the 4th of July
No, acting, Wild and Crazy is! I'm pretending to be a firework!
I can't hold this pose any longer...You are trying my patience.
And finally Fourth of July Feast (imagine, a picture with all of us being peaceful together!)
BE SAFE AND DON'T LET THE FIREWORKS SCARE YOU TOO MUCH!
PEACH, SCOUT, SIMONE
Monday, July 2, 2007
1. The collective blogging intelligentsia, commonly understood as being the most influential and highly trafficked bloggers online by page rank and the effect of link traffic.
2. The most intellectually hefty subsection of this group. from whatis.com)
Jofish sez the real defintion is people who are obessessed their blogs and don't live their real lives. Blog snobs. He thinks instead, I'm member of the Peacherati. Oh, yeah, baby. I love myself. That's for sure. No one more important that the Peach Man.
Mama points out that the word is derived from Italian. But she doesn't know how to make singulars in that language. Blogerat? Sounds too Russian. Like Samizdat--that's what we are Cat Samizdat (self-publication to avoid the censors back in the USSR). If you can have intelligent (a member of the intelligentsia), then why can't I be a BLOGERAT? Huh? Huh?
OH, wait, you gots to be "influential" (check), "highly trafficked" (getting there, I'm no Skeezix yet), intellectually hefty (????).
Yep, I'm a Blogerat. Are you?
SCOUT: What is it with you and the USSR?? You're weird.
SIMONE: Like that's a surprise to anyone.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Cats of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your collars. --Karl Manx
Come on Scout, it's time for the REVOLUTION!!
Scout: I'm sleeping.
But, it's time. We must take up the torch. Pick up where Lenin and Trotsky left off.
Scout: Shut up. You're bugging me.
KGB BAR, Bratislava (My hangout)
What kind of revolutionary are you? I have to be true to my Cossack roots.
Scout: Your what?
My Cossack-ness. I am Ukrainian you know.
Scout: That's why you are KGB.
That's right. Kotski Grupa Bezopasnosti (Cat Security Agency). We come for you in the night. When you are sleeping. When you are unawares. See the photo of our founder...a VERY bad man, who happened to be Polish. Not Ukrainian. And a bean, not a cat. You can't have everything.
Scout: How do you know all this stuff?
It's not my fault I'm forced to read all this history. Some beans just know too much. We were founded in....
Scout: I'm trying to sleep be quiet. I don't care about the history of your stupid KGB.
We learned many of our tactics from the Gestapo.
Scout: I always said you were a Nazi.
No, I am not a Nazi. I am KGB. There's a difference.
Scout: Well, I'm the CIA. I win. You lose. Now let me sleep.