Mancat Monday: Dear Peach Man #1

HEY EVERYBUDDY, SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN MY POST. GOT UP THIS MORNING THE SO-CALLED 'ROUTER' WAS 'BROKEN'. YEAH. WHATEVER. THEY JUST WANT TO STOP ME FROM A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AS A ADVICE COLUMNIST.

Dear Peach Man -

I run and I run, and I play and I play, and I jump jump jump...and STILL I gits a poochie belly! How comes I do all this exercise and still gits a poochie belly?!
Yer bud,
Sabi

Dear Sabi,

Well, unfortunately, you must suffer from an odious and malingering disease (practicing my vocab here). My only suggestion to you is to go outside, eat nasty stuff, get worms or a Fever Of Unknown Origin. That will get you skinny in no time. Diets just don’t work (I asked Scout—see, I don’t personally suffer from poochie belliness). However, from personal experience with worms (before I was adopted) and FUO (last summer), I can tell you that brings about rapid weight loss like no other. Your beans might object though. See, they call me the “million dollar kitty” now.

Peach Man

Dear Peachman,

I have a problem. I wish to go outside strollering or on my harness and leash EVERY day. But my Mommie only takes me out sometimes. What am I to do?

Thank you,

Daisy!

Dear Daisy,

You may recall an earlier post of mine on a similar subject. Essentially, you either hire another servant solely for strollering (any neighbor kids need a summer job?) or become the most annoying kitty on the planet. Whine until you think you can’t anymore, and then whine some more! Also, it is helpful to remind her that kitties NEED, and I mean, NEED, fresh air daily. Unless it is raining, but we won’t go into the exceptions. Therefore, she is subjecting you to cruel and unusual punishment every day that she doesn’t take you out. Remind her of this. Call Amnesty International. Start a Petition. Good luck getting out more!

Peach Man

Dear Peach Man

I have a very serious and important question.

How can I get rid of my baby brother?

It all started nine months ago. There I was, a single and happy siamese
prince, doted on by two stupid humans when suddenly, out of nowehere, came
this tiny white ball of poo smelling fur. I was disgusted! Honestly, he came
into my home, took over my territory, ate all of my food and used my litter
tray as though it were his. The humans love him - they adore him! To make
matters much worse, he now has his own blog and has made lots and lots of
cat blogging friends -the traitors. I just need to know how I can put
things right in the world - where everything is mine and the whole world
revolves around me alone. I have been living with the white stinker for a
year now and my nose just can't take any more! He really stinks!

Yours, in despair


Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Scout has some experience with this. As do I. We both suggest terror. I know all good cats should not act like Robespierre, the IRA, the Shining Path and Osama bin Ladin combined, but sometimes a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. In the process, you may acquire some invidious nicknames, but consider this a plus. Your mission is being accomplished. Now, I suggest much chasing, hissing, sneaking up on while eating. Also, it is good to initiate play at the time of day when said invader is most likely NOT to play. Insist upon it. In particular, Scout recommends chasing said invader when he wants to go the box. Make the basic functions of life like eating, sleeping, pooping, and snuggling extremely difficult. Be relentless and systematic. You could even set up a War Room (See photo) if you wanted to keep track. Turn the invaders friends against him. Isolate and destroy. You might also watch Mean Girls for some tips.

Windex should help with the stinkiness. Spray liberally as needed.

May the Force Be With You.

Peach Man